I just finished my last night of Living Well. What a freaking journey! I have spent the last 3 years in a 12 step christian recovery program geared toward emotional healing. I have learned so much about myself and others. I have learned that its ok to have boundaries in self care and to actually have self care. I went into the program in 2005 an emotional wreck. I had no idea who I was in Christ or that I even had an identity outside of the things that I can do. Learning service in the process has been astounding. I am looking forward to my next step. I know that the Lord has a call on my life in aiding in the healing and restoration of the broken hearted, extending the same tools and grace that the Lord has extended to me through this process. I have so many things rolling around in my head of how that looks. I have such big dreams, and I want to jump in feet first. However, I have learned that I am only called to do the next right thing. For me, the next right thing is being obedient and waiting. Waiting on the Lord to give me the next step but being in preparation searching hard after Him. I know that I still have so much more to learn and mature. The Lord has been gracious to me to extend this gift to me of Living Well. Please pray for me when you think of me that I will have revelation. The kind of revelation that leads to my next step. I have ideas, just not a definite.
Archive for the 'truth' Category
Next Right Step
who wants to work out?
have you ever wondered what it means to “work out” your salvation. i have struggled with this thought more than once.i once thought it meant to do good deeds so to obtain salvation. then moving on i thought it meant to believe in christ and then do the things of the lord.i now know that it means to simply be obedient to god. to be able to hear god’s voice and be obedient to his commandments and “work out” my salvation.not being a huge physical fitness buff, working out left a bad taste in my mouth. the more i thought about if i worked out physically, my efforts would lead to endurance and to great physical health.like my physical fitness, my spiritual fitness is very important. being obedient to the lord produce endurance of faith, spiritual growth, and great spiritual fitness. in conclusion, “working out” my salvation is not such a difficult thing to understand. it just starts with me being disciplined as in becoming physically fit.
Yet another year has gone by…
As 2007 comes to a close, I think about what I have done this year. There are many things I could say. This year has been a year of growth for me. I have had my faith tested in many different ways. I feel that this year Christ was, for lack of a better word, testing me to see if I would seek Him even when things weren’t working out how I thought they should. There were times when I could not feel the presence of God at all. I must admit that it was hard to put my faith in someone that I could not feel. I however, decided that that is what my faith is. It is belief in someone unseen in the natural. I found it hard to deny the fact that God was distant even in those times. He comforted me in ways that I can’t even describe to you. He allowed “Jesus with skin on” to help push me forward. When I least expected it, someone would “call me out” or have just the right encouraging words to say to me when they had no idea what I was going through.
It has also been a year of testing of my trust in Christ. Being 29 and single you start to wonder “okay God…when is it my turn”. I have to state that I did take some situations into my own hands only to find out that it wasn’t the right time or the right person depending on the situation. I can only come to grips with the fact that no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, that if I am in God’s will for my life and actively seeking Him, then He is in control. I am still in the process of learning to trust Him with things that are very near and dear to my heart. It’s funny how as humans we can trust God with big things but when its a heart issue we hold onto to the problem with white knuckles. After much praying and crying I can with a truthful heart say that I will love Him no matter what He sees fit for my life. That kind of sacrifice is the toughest for me because I want to be in control and want instant gratification.
I am looking forward to starting a new year with some new intentions. I want to be more intentional with my relationships with those near me. I want to be a person of the up-most integrity. Integrity has always been something I strived for but sometimes fell very short. I want to keep on the path of pursuing that integrity that I know is possible with Christ’s help. I want to be so in-tune with the voice of God that we have conversations all day long like He is my best friends sitting right next to me. I look forward to starting fresh and living out a life that is pleasing to my Lord. If there is one thing I could ask from you would be prayer as I am still in the refining process of my life. I am in the wilderness being prepared and I am excited to see what God will do with my willing heart.
I got home last night from Fusion, which is a youth retreat with several local youth groups. It was an amazing time with girls and the Lord. I stayed in a cabin with 12 9th grade girls and another leader. It was tiring, but well worth the the time because the Lord really moved in some of the young ladies’ lives. Its always a special time when He lets me be a small part of His huge plan. He allowed me to share with different girls parts of my story and minister to them. It was awesome. God is in the business of restoration and redemption. I can’t scream it loud enough. As tired as one could possibly be from hanging out with a ton of youth at my age, I felt refreshed from the weekend. The Lord just showed up with His grace and mercy for all to have freely. No strings attached! I love it!
Love..love is not something to be taken lightly. It can cost you more than you are willing to give or more than you realize you have given. It can be blind…blind to the fact of what price you may have to pay. I have recently realized that I paid entirely too much and got not much in return. What I was repaid was a big mess and BIG HEARTACHE. I don’t want you to think that I am being cynical because I do think there is TRUE love. Im talking about the kind of love we settle for thinking it is in fact real love. For me it is hard to tell the difference between God given love between man and woman and a love that we create and dream up. The possibilty of maybe its love. Wondering if the guy is going to love you back or if what he is saying is really how he is feeling. I put my heart out there and it was not returned. Unrequited love is what I am talking about. It’s hard. I was vulnerable, confusing, and I guess naive. However, I think what grieves my heart the most is the part where I compromised. I don’t mean physically…but emotionally and in my relationship with the Lord….the one that ALWAYS has loved me and will ALWAYS love me. I put Him in a box and wouldn’t or couldn’t trust Him to meet my needs. It all comes back to fear. I am scared that God won’t meet my needs and give me the desires of my heart. I am scared to be alone. But the truth is, I am not alone. God is with me to comfort me and love me. If I could truly embrace this and get it from my head to my heart I would be satisfied in Him.
“Lord, grant my the serenity to accepet the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Give me a changed heart that wants nothing more than to worship and follow hard after you. Give my the courage to step out and say you are all I need and you will fulfill your promises and meet my needs. Teach me to trust you. Let your holy fire burn up everything that is wrong thinking about you and teach me your truths. Confirm in me the love that I once knew.”
Its hard to realize that you’ve “cheated” on God. I am married to him, but my eyes wondered to another lover that I thought could satisfy me more than Him. I want to be first in love with Christ and then my mate in second place. I am so thankful that God allowed this to happen in my life to bring me back to Him. Jesus be the lover of my soul! Amen ,Amen and Amen
Emotional sex sounds so ridiculous. However there are many times in my life as a single woman that I have found myself enjoying emotional sex. As a woman, we want a man to share every detail of their life, their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns. I eat them up just as I would with physical sex. I, to be honest, eat up the emotional connection even more.
Emotional sex is when a man shares all his heart with a woman, and listens to all that a woman shares from her innermost secret places in her heart. The bond or soul tie that forms when we do this is just as bad if not worse than when we have sex outside of marriage. Being a woman that has experienced both, I had a hard time coming to understand the emotional bond. I could easily recognize the bond that was formed when I had a physical sex with someone. I thought that when I had sex with a man he would know that I loved him, its what he wanted.
It wasn’t until after many nights of praying and wondering why I was so bonded to these men, it slapped me in the face. Emotional sex!! I had shared my innermost heart and thoughts with these men, bonding me to them. I had wanted their advice and their approval. Since realizing this, I have tried to avoid sharing things from the deepest part of my heart. I want to save that for marriage. I want to be a pure and white bride, a virgin if you will, when it comes to emotional sex when I meet my husband. However, there comes a time when you won’t be the one sharing and its the guy that’s sharing all his inner most hopes and dreams. This is rare, but its out there. Half the victory is knowing where your boundaries lie. Know ahead of time what your boundaries are in conversation with the opposite sex. There has to be some sort of sharing in dating to form a relationship. I fully believe that God intended for us to be open and honest in communication with one another. However, I fully believe that He also intended for us to guard our hearts.
I was recently asked how to undo emotional sex strings. What a loaded question. My answer was simply this. Decide that you want to break these strings. Next, set up boundaries in the relationship, and finally be in relationship with the same sex for mentoring or accountability. Emotional attachment is hard to recognize. I just have one question for you…are you wearing your emotional condom?
The last few weeks, I have been having some really crazy dreams. Some of the dreams are funny, some strange, some really scary, and some very realistic. Let me tell you about this retarded one I had last night.
I am in a recovery program called Living Well. It deals with my past, the root of the problems(control, fear, co-dependency…), and then spiritual maturity. Well my dream took place in my group at Living well. My mom, dad, and old mentor, and another girl I knew from way back were all in my group. This is odd because none of these people would EVER be in my group, but they were all from my past. It was my time to do my life story and I began reading what was supposed to be all about my life from my perspective. I was reading what turned out to be this long report on Calvinism, Catholicism, and who knows what else. I burst out crying when it hit me that this story was not about me at all. I still had shame of my past. I didn’t mind the new people in my life that knew me as the God fearing person I strive to be hearing my story. I just didn’t want the people from my past hearing all the things that had been done in secret, especially my parents. This is where the dream gets comical. My facilitator was trying to reassure me that I needed to get all this out when my dad walked up to me and said….”have you checked on Weeza?(my boston terrier)” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said, “Justin Timberlake shot her…she’s at the vet’s office.” I jumped up and ran out to call and check on her.
I have no idea at all what the dog part of the dream meant. However, I think that God is trying to reveal things to me in my dreams. Not all my dreams are spiritual, but I believe with all of my heart some are spiritual. I know I tend to be busy and don’t hear God’s voice. He may just have to speak to me when I am still and asleep. I now realize that I am still dealing with some shame from my past. However, the fear I did have at one time to face it and deal with it is not there. I want to be completely free!! I want to live that life of ABUNDANCE that God has promised. I want to live in Canaan!
FOUNDATION
I am involved in a group called Living Well. Its a recovery ministry that I have been a participant for going on 3 years. Every year, we get a “word” at our round-up that is mine for that year. My last word that I recieved was FOUNDATION. You may think that this is trivial or meaningless, but to me it has blown me away.
The third year is a year of spirituality. You go through a class and really learn what you believe and the best part is you learn WHY you believe what you believe. God has really been doing a major work in me that I didn’t know I needed. My foundation has been rocked. He is starting to strip me of false beliefs and replacing them with truth. He is rebuilding me from the foundation up.
I am the girl that grew up in church, listened to multiple sermons, and went to Sunday School. Yet, I never knew why I believed the things I believed. I am so thankful that God has put me on this road of questioning, doubting, and wrestling with Him. In the end, I feel confident that all I will have is Jesus and NOTHING else.
