I’ve been struggling on the decision to write this blog.  God affirmed some things in my life that I have been struggling with last night.  I love the fact that He uses “Jesus with skin on” (friends) to speak or just affirm things that He is wanting to work on in my life.  I have been feeling very apathetic about my daily walk, my relationships, my work, and just an all around feeling of procrastination.  For the last several weeks, the Lord has been convicting me of this, but the nature of the sin procrastination and apathy, I have put off dealing with it.  Last night I was hit in the face by an awesome friend that I am in ministry with about the issue.  It was a great discussion and affirmation.  I can be the person that isolates emotionally and one would never know that I was struggling.  However the Lord knows and as hard as I try won’t let me.  I love the way He loves me and disciplines me.  I have always said that I want nothing more than to be honest, so this is a new start for me.  I want to be “naked” in front of you….confessing the attitude of apathy and procrastination.  I pray that the is just the first of many works that the Lord is doing deep with in…

Well…God has been doing a work on me the last few years in the integrity department.  I want to be a woman of great character and value.  I want to be the same by myself as I am with friends.  This past weekend, I had a revelation when it comes to integrity for me.  I was visiting with some friends at a birthday party.  We had a great time hanging out and laughing.  A guy I semi-dated came over for about an hour and I turned weird.  I’m talking about uber flirt, life of the party, and full of laughs.  I really do care for this person, but its getting really hard for me to just be myself when he is around.  I don’t know what takes over my body.  Its the craziest thing.  That bad part about  it is he is NO GOOD for me.  He has been an addiction in my life.  I have come back to him and he has come back to me over and over.  I am ever changing my mind when it comes to him.  I also noticed that with the friends that Saturday night, I was not the same person I was when I pulled up in the drive way.  Nothing major was wrong,  just completely different.  I had on so many masks it wasn’t funny.  I was a joker, a know it all, and who knows what else.  I was totally aware of my masks.  I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be the person I am when I with my best friend.  Comfortable in my own skin.  I realize it takes time.  I just need to find the balance of being honest with who I am, and not having to be completely vulnerable with EVERYONE! I have been blessed with the ability to get along with anyone…and have conversation with anyone.  I just don’t want to be fake!

The last few weeks, I have been having some really crazy dreams.  Some of the dreams are funny, some strange, some really scary, and some very realistic.  Let me tell you about this retarded one I had last night. 

I am in a recovery program called Living Well.  It deals with my past, the root of the problems(control, fear, co-dependency…),  and then spiritual maturity.  Well my dream took place in my group at Living well.  My mom, dad, and old mentor, and another girl I knew from way back were all in my group.  This is odd because none of these people would EVER be in my group, but they were all from my past.  It was my time to do my life story and I began reading what was supposed to be all about my life from my perspective.  I was reading what turned out to be this long report on Calvinism,  Catholicism, and who knows what else.  I burst out crying when it hit me that this story was not about me at all.  I still had shame of my past.  I didn’t mind the new people in my life that knew me as the God fearing person I strive to be hearing my story.  I just didn’t want the people from my past hearing all the things that had been done in secret, especially my parents.  This is where the dream gets comical.  My facilitator was trying to reassure me that I needed to get all this out when my dad walked up to me and said….”have you checked on Weeza?(my boston terrier)”  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Then he said, “Justin Timberlake shot her…she’s at the vet’s office.”  I jumped up and ran out to call and check on her. 

I have no idea at all what the dog  part of the dream meant.  However, I think that God is trying to reveal things to me in my dreams.  Not all my dreams are spiritual, but I believe with all of my heart some are spiritual.  I know I tend to be busy and don’t hear God’s voice.  He  may just have to speak to me when I am still and asleep.  I now realize that I am still dealing with some shame from my past.  However, the fear I did have at one time to face it and deal with it is not there.  I want to be completely free!!  I want to live that life of ABUNDANCE that God has promised.  I want to live in Canaan!

So…I’m sitting at home on a rainy afternoon, struggling to keep my eyes open.  Its days like today when I want to curl up with a good book and read until I fall asleep.  I’m looking out my window at the rain running down the glass.    Even though I felt my life is in a dry and dusty place…God showed His mercy and love and sent His rain to water my soul and quench my thirst.  I am coming out of this dry place in life, and yet the only thing I can think about is how long this “feeling” will last. With spiritual maturity, I have come to realize that my feelings are not something I can use to give myself a spiritual health exam.  Feelings and emotions are just the indicators to do an inventory on my mind, body, and soul.   Don’t be fooled…inventory is not for the faint at heart….be brave and check yourself.  Who knows what God wants to do when we get TOTALLY honest with ourselves, with others, and with God.