I just finished my last night of Living Well. What a freaking journey! I have spent the last 3 years in a 12 step christian recovery program geared toward emotional healing. I have learned so much about myself and others. I have learned that its ok to have boundaries in self care and to actually have self care. I went into the program in 2005 an emotional wreck. I had no idea who I was in Christ or that I even had an identity outside of the things that I can do. Learning service in the process has been astounding. I am looking forward to my next step. I know that the Lord has a call on my life in aiding in the healing and restoration of the broken hearted, extending the same tools and grace that the Lord has extended to me through this process. I have so many things rolling around in my head of how that looks. I have such big dreams, and I want to jump in feet first. However, I have learned that I am only called to do the next right thing. For me, the next right thing is being obedient and waiting. Waiting on the Lord to give me the next step but being in preparation searching hard after Him. I know that I still have so much more to learn and mature. The Lord has been gracious to me to extend this gift to me of Living Well. Please pray for me when you think of me that I will have revelation. The kind of revelation that leads to my next step. I have ideas, just not a definite.
Archive for the 'faith' Category
Next Right Step
I am nearing the end of a program called Living Well that I have been involved with for the last 3 years. It has been an awesome eye opening experience. I can’t even begin to describe the things I have learned about myself as in the way I act, my personality, my emotional healing process, and how to have healthy Godly relationships with boundaries. Last night, we had a talk on humility. I thought what a nice topic to have as one of our last classes. I’m sure that I don’t have a ton of struggles with pride. Wow…I was hit right between the eyes. I have very little..when I say very little I mean very little humility with a ton to learn and grow in terms of humility in the arena of a servant leader. Humility is being free of pride or unassuming being a servant unto the Lord for His glory with no glory of my own. Humility is also an attitude of submission. In order to have true humility, it starts with an accurate self image. I have to know who I am in the eyes of Christ. I have to know that my worth has already been established with what Jesus did on the cross. In order to fulfill my life’s purpose that the Lord has placed me here for, I have to come to the realization that the task that has been set before me is more important than me. The Lord’s will will be done, but not as precisely if I am seeking any glory for myself. Humility doesn’t mean that I lack confidence, just arrogance. I need Christ- centered confidence, this coming from knowing who I am in Christ. The lecture last night gave 7 ways to test humility. 1- ability to let go of control. 2- ability to ask for help. 3- having no sense of entitlement. 4- having a clear understanding of my righteousness that has been given through Christ. 5-transparency. 6-obedience 7- serving out of Love and not fear. I can definitely say that I fail at most of these tests. With coming to the realization of my purpose in life, I want to have humility to be able to give God the glory and take none for my own. The one thing I came to see in myself was I am afraid. I am afraid that my mission in life won’t seem huge. That the plan for my life won’t be “big” in the eyes of anyone. With that said, my heart was pricked to realize that if I am serving in submission to the Lord, I will be satisfied. I will have a purpose no matter how small it seems to some it will be huge to me. I want to be in God’s will and do the work he has set out before me with a humble heart and attitude. My prayer is that the Lord will begin to show me where I need to be humbled and give me an opportunity to walk it out. “ Lord please help me to walk out my destiny with a servant’s heart with ability to let go of the reigns. I want more of You and less of me” If you think of me in the next few days please pray for me. I truly want to be right in the middle of what God has for me.
Prophesy
I was in a group last night talking about prophesy, about the prophetic still being alive and in the works today. I must say that there has been a lot of things said to me in the prophetic sense that I have been very sketchy about. I do believe that the Lord can use someone as a mouthpiece to correct, edify, or comfort someone. I believe in the supernatural power of the Lord. I believe that these are true and worthwhile of sharing with you. I was just wondering what your beliefs were on this subject. We are called to test the prophesy by truth. Here are a few guidelines to go by:1. What is the fruit of the life of the prophet.2. Does the prophesy glorify God.3. Does the prophesy agree or line up with the scriptures.4. Is the prophesy fulfilled.5. Is the prophesy confusing or disjointed.6. Does the prophesy produce liberty or bondage.7. Does the prophesy bear witness with our spirits. Why a prophesy is important:1. Brings life.2. Gives spiritual vision3. Edifies or comforts4. Brings revival or restoration5. Guides you where one needs to go in Christ. Now, I didn’t come up with this information on my own by any means. It came from a ministry that I am a part. I wanted to know what your thoughts are about it. Do you still believe that a prophesy is for today? Do you believe that there are prophets?
Gold Maker….
Its amazing me to me much I can let fear of failure paralyze me. I thought that I had worked through this fear, and for the most part I have. I have spent the last 3 years really examining my life and the reasons why I do the things I do. Upon starting back at college, I never dreamt it would be this demanding. I had two tests back to back on a couple of Tuesdays ago. Its was Abnormal Psychology and Anthropology. I studied nonstop. I studied days before, the night before, the morning before, and crammed right before these tests. I nailed the Anthropology test with a grade of an A. I didn’t get by so well on the other receiving a C, but I’m happy with it because it was a stinkin’ hard test. Multiple essays. Graduate type work. I say all this to say I was not happy at first with my grades. I wanted perfection. I wanted to ace each of them. I realize the anxiousness I was experiencing before was in fact my fear of failure. This fear can creep into other areas of my life. It can creep into relationships, holding me back from really experiencing the best that a relationship can offer. I can experience the fear of failure in my spiritual life. Fearing that I may not ever quite measure up or fail at a relationship that is so freely given to me. One that has absolutely no strings attached. I have to stop and tell myself truth…truth that states that I am not a failure. I do try my best and with trying my best, it will be enough. If doing my best honors God, then why is it not enough for me. That’s just pride, making my best not good enough for me but it’s been said by the Lord himself that my best is good enough for Him. in fact it honors Him. I am beginning to get the fact that everything my hand touches doesn’t have to turn to gold, just that I need to approach these tasks as a gold maker. I need do my very best and it will be enough. That’s it! Try my best and it will be enough!
He spoke….
Its funny to me how I assume that God is not speaking to me. I feel as though I lead a one sided conversation with Him. I talk and talk, never to hear a reply form the Lord. I must first say that I have had encounters with the living God where He has spoken quite clearly to me in a still small voice. Its just recently, I have been hearing nothing. I just finished reading in Hosea about Israel “whoring” against the Lord. I myself am that whore. I know that I have put many things and my own ambitions in the place of God, an idol if you will. After all this, I still would wonder why I didn’t hear what He was saying. I took some time tonight just sitting after asking the Lord to speak to me. I was quiet and unoccupied. I made an effort to be still and not think. If you know me at all, you know it was extremely hard for me to do. I had asked the Lord to forgive me of whoring and having the idols of my desires, my plans, and well my stubbornness. I sat. I waited. He spoke. It was a gentle correction, but He indeed spoke. It hit me hard because it was so simple, yet so complex. He said all I have do is be obedient. Obedience keeps us from whoring. Pretty simple right? How about complication in a simple term. However, all I have to do is be obedient. That’s an easier list to look at than a long list of things I need to do and things I can’t. I would much rather have a simple “to do list” that reads: 1. Be Obedient. That’s all that’s on my list everyday. I guess I must say that I am stoked and relieved that the Lord spoke to me even if it was gentle correction. I realize that I am so busy talking, that I REALLY don’t listen. Be still.
who wants to work out?
have you ever wondered what it means to “work out” your salvation. i have struggled with this thought more than once.i once thought it meant to do good deeds so to obtain salvation. then moving on i thought it meant to believe in christ and then do the things of the lord.i now know that it means to simply be obedient to god. to be able to hear god’s voice and be obedient to his commandments and “work out” my salvation.not being a huge physical fitness buff, working out left a bad taste in my mouth. the more i thought about if i worked out physically, my efforts would lead to endurance and to great physical health.like my physical fitness, my spiritual fitness is very important. being obedient to the lord produce endurance of faith, spiritual growth, and great spiritual fitness. in conclusion, “working out” my salvation is not such a difficult thing to understand. it just starts with me being disciplined as in becoming physically fit.
Yet another year has gone by…
As 2007 comes to a close, I think about what I have done this year. There are many things I could say. This year has been a year of growth for me. I have had my faith tested in many different ways. I feel that this year Christ was, for lack of a better word, testing me to see if I would seek Him even when things weren’t working out how I thought they should. There were times when I could not feel the presence of God at all. I must admit that it was hard to put my faith in someone that I could not feel. I however, decided that that is what my faith is. It is belief in someone unseen in the natural. I found it hard to deny the fact that God was distant even in those times. He comforted me in ways that I can’t even describe to you. He allowed “Jesus with skin on” to help push me forward. When I least expected it, someone would “call me out” or have just the right encouraging words to say to me when they had no idea what I was going through.
It has also been a year of testing of my trust in Christ. Being 29 and single you start to wonder “okay God…when is it my turn”. I have to state that I did take some situations into my own hands only to find out that it wasn’t the right time or the right person depending on the situation. I can only come to grips with the fact that no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, that if I am in God’s will for my life and actively seeking Him, then He is in control. I am still in the process of learning to trust Him with things that are very near and dear to my heart. It’s funny how as humans we can trust God with big things but when its a heart issue we hold onto to the problem with white knuckles. After much praying and crying I can with a truthful heart say that I will love Him no matter what He sees fit for my life. That kind of sacrifice is the toughest for me because I want to be in control and want instant gratification.
I am looking forward to starting a new year with some new intentions. I want to be more intentional with my relationships with those near me. I want to be a person of the up-most integrity. Integrity has always been something I strived for but sometimes fell very short. I want to keep on the path of pursuing that integrity that I know is possible with Christ’s help. I want to be so in-tune with the voice of God that we have conversations all day long like He is my best friends sitting right next to me. I look forward to starting fresh and living out a life that is pleasing to my Lord. If there is one thing I could ask from you would be prayer as I am still in the refining process of my life. I am in the wilderness being prepared and I am excited to see what God will do with my willing heart.
I got home last night from Fusion, which is a youth retreat with several local youth groups. It was an amazing time with girls and the Lord. I stayed in a cabin with 12 9th grade girls and another leader. It was tiring, but well worth the the time because the Lord really moved in some of the young ladies’ lives. Its always a special time when He lets me be a small part of His huge plan. He allowed me to share with different girls parts of my story and minister to them. It was awesome. God is in the business of restoration and redemption. I can’t scream it loud enough. As tired as one could possibly be from hanging out with a ton of youth at my age, I felt refreshed from the weekend. The Lord just showed up with His grace and mercy for all to have freely. No strings attached! I love it!
Love..love is not something to be taken lightly. It can cost you more than you are willing to give or more than you realize you have given. It can be blind…blind to the fact of what price you may have to pay. I have recently realized that I paid entirely too much and got not much in return. What I was repaid was a big mess and BIG HEARTACHE. I don’t want you to think that I am being cynical because I do think there is TRUE love. Im talking about the kind of love we settle for thinking it is in fact real love. For me it is hard to tell the difference between God given love between man and woman and a love that we create and dream up. The possibilty of maybe its love. Wondering if the guy is going to love you back or if what he is saying is really how he is feeling. I put my heart out there and it was not returned. Unrequited love is what I am talking about. It’s hard. I was vulnerable, confusing, and I guess naive. However, I think what grieves my heart the most is the part where I compromised. I don’t mean physically…but emotionally and in my relationship with the Lord….the one that ALWAYS has loved me and will ALWAYS love me. I put Him in a box and wouldn’t or couldn’t trust Him to meet my needs. It all comes back to fear. I am scared that God won’t meet my needs and give me the desires of my heart. I am scared to be alone. But the truth is, I am not alone. God is with me to comfort me and love me. If I could truly embrace this and get it from my head to my heart I would be satisfied in Him.
“Lord, grant my the serenity to accepet the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Give me a changed heart that wants nothing more than to worship and follow hard after you. Give my the courage to step out and say you are all I need and you will fulfill your promises and meet my needs. Teach me to trust you. Let your holy fire burn up everything that is wrong thinking about you and teach me your truths. Confirm in me the love that I once knew.”
Its hard to realize that you’ve “cheated” on God. I am married to him, but my eyes wondered to another lover that I thought could satisfy me more than Him. I want to be first in love with Christ and then my mate in second place. I am so thankful that God allowed this to happen in my life to bring me back to Him. Jesus be the lover of my soul! Amen ,Amen and Amen
The last few weeks, I have been having some really crazy dreams. Some of the dreams are funny, some strange, some really scary, and some very realistic. Let me tell you about this retarded one I had last night.
I am in a recovery program called Living Well. It deals with my past, the root of the problems(control, fear, co-dependency…), and then spiritual maturity. Well my dream took place in my group at Living well. My mom, dad, and old mentor, and another girl I knew from way back were all in my group. This is odd because none of these people would EVER be in my group, but they were all from my past. It was my time to do my life story and I began reading what was supposed to be all about my life from my perspective. I was reading what turned out to be this long report on Calvinism, Catholicism, and who knows what else. I burst out crying when it hit me that this story was not about me at all. I still had shame of my past. I didn’t mind the new people in my life that knew me as the God fearing person I strive to be hearing my story. I just didn’t want the people from my past hearing all the things that had been done in secret, especially my parents. This is where the dream gets comical. My facilitator was trying to reassure me that I needed to get all this out when my dad walked up to me and said….”have you checked on Weeza?(my boston terrier)” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said, “Justin Timberlake shot her…she’s at the vet’s office.” I jumped up and ran out to call and check on her.
I have no idea at all what the dog part of the dream meant. However, I think that God is trying to reveal things to me in my dreams. Not all my dreams are spiritual, but I believe with all of my heart some are spiritual. I know I tend to be busy and don’t hear God’s voice. He may just have to speak to me when I am still and asleep. I now realize that I am still dealing with some shame from my past. However, the fear I did have at one time to face it and deal with it is not there. I want to be completely free!! I want to live that life of ABUNDANCE that God has promised. I want to live in Canaan!
