I just finished my last night of Living Well. What a freaking journey! I have spent the last 3 years in a 12 step christian recovery program geared toward emotional healing. I have learned so much about myself and others. I have learned that its ok to have boundaries in self care and to actually have self care. I went into the program in 2005 an emotional wreck. I had no idea who I was in Christ or that I even had an identity outside of the things that I can do. Learning service in the process has been astounding. I am looking forward to my next step. I know that the Lord has a call on my life in aiding in the healing and restoration of the broken hearted, extending the same tools and grace that the Lord has extended to me through this process. I have so many things rolling around in my head of how that looks. I have such big dreams, and I want to jump in feet first. However, I have learned that I am only called to do the next right thing. For me, the next right thing is being obedient and waiting. Waiting on the Lord to give me the next step but being in preparation searching hard after Him. I know that I still have so much more to learn and mature. The Lord has been gracious to me to extend this gift to me of Living Well. Please pray for me when you think of me that I will have revelation. The kind of revelation that leads to my next step. I have ideas, just not a definite.
Archive for the 'dreams' Category
Next Right Step
let life begin…
life is so pointless
i don’t even know
when i am living
the time passes
i do nothing
its another day
another night
another day
i have done nothing
nothing that really matters
when will i start living
when will i not fear
time pass by
life is so short
many things
i want to do
fear keeps me bound
i see it in my dream
what my life should be
my life has got to change
its time to live
no more fear
Age is nothing but a number…
So, I’m heading out tomorrow afternoon to have some good girl time for my birthday. We are going to be gone until Sunday afternoon. I am very excited to get some good rest and relaxation, ride some horses, take some pictures, and piddle on the guitar. It’s a good year to get away. I’m turning 29. You know they say the big 3-0 is a hard year but this one is kinda kicking my rear. It’s my last year of my 20’s. I am about to enter my 30’s. When did this happen? Where did 30 years go? What have I accomplished? These are the questions I have been asking myself. Well the years flew by, that’s where they went. I have accomplished many things. My life is on the right track with the Lord. I love Him with all my heart. He is my joy and my everything. I have almost completed 3 years in Living Well. I am so grateful for that ministry. It has helped me to learn who I am and who I am in the Lord. I am excited to start back to college in January to earn my degree in psychology. I want to get my Master’s in counseling. I am excited about photography. I got a camera from my parents and am ready to put it to good use. I love taking pictures of nature, family, and friends. I am also trying to learn to play guitar. Maybe write a few songs…who knows. However, I’m looking forward to my next 29 years. Its gonna be great!
Monday Blues
So, anyone that knows me at all, knows I hate to get up in the mornings. I REALLY hate to get up on Monday mornings. Its a start to a new work week that has become so mundane and BORING. I wonder where all the excitement that was promise for a single late 20’s woman is hiding. There are so many things I want to attempt but I guess I am afraid of failing. Failure is a paralyzer. I want to go hiking, visit different countries, learn a new language, and learn to play guitar. These are just a few things I would love to do. What’s stopping me? I have no idea…except fear!
Emotional sex sounds so ridiculous. However there are many times in my life as a single woman that I have found myself enjoying emotional sex. As a woman, we want a man to share every detail of their life, their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns. I eat them up just as I would with physical sex. I, to be honest, eat up the emotional connection even more.
Emotional sex is when a man shares all his heart with a woman, and listens to all that a woman shares from her innermost secret places in her heart. The bond or soul tie that forms when we do this is just as bad if not worse than when we have sex outside of marriage. Being a woman that has experienced both, I had a hard time coming to understand the emotional bond. I could easily recognize the bond that was formed when I had a physical sex with someone. I thought that when I had sex with a man he would know that I loved him, its what he wanted.
It wasn’t until after many nights of praying and wondering why I was so bonded to these men, it slapped me in the face. Emotional sex!! I had shared my innermost heart and thoughts with these men, bonding me to them. I had wanted their advice and their approval. Since realizing this, I have tried to avoid sharing things from the deepest part of my heart. I want to save that for marriage. I want to be a pure and white bride, a virgin if you will, when it comes to emotional sex when I meet my husband. However, there comes a time when you won’t be the one sharing and its the guy that’s sharing all his inner most hopes and dreams. This is rare, but its out there. Half the victory is knowing where your boundaries lie. Know ahead of time what your boundaries are in conversation with the opposite sex. There has to be some sort of sharing in dating to form a relationship. I fully believe that God intended for us to be open and honest in communication with one another. However, I fully believe that He also intended for us to guard our hearts.
I was recently asked how to undo emotional sex strings. What a loaded question. My answer was simply this. Decide that you want to break these strings. Next, set up boundaries in the relationship, and finally be in relationship with the same sex for mentoring or accountability. Emotional attachment is hard to recognize. I just have one question for you…are you wearing your emotional condom?
The last few weeks, I have been having some really crazy dreams. Some of the dreams are funny, some strange, some really scary, and some very realistic. Let me tell you about this retarded one I had last night.
I am in a recovery program called Living Well. It deals with my past, the root of the problems(control, fear, co-dependency…), and then spiritual maturity. Well my dream took place in my group at Living well. My mom, dad, and old mentor, and another girl I knew from way back were all in my group. This is odd because none of these people would EVER be in my group, but they were all from my past. It was my time to do my life story and I began reading what was supposed to be all about my life from my perspective. I was reading what turned out to be this long report on Calvinism, Catholicism, and who knows what else. I burst out crying when it hit me that this story was not about me at all. I still had shame of my past. I didn’t mind the new people in my life that knew me as the God fearing person I strive to be hearing my story. I just didn’t want the people from my past hearing all the things that had been done in secret, especially my parents. This is where the dream gets comical. My facilitator was trying to reassure me that I needed to get all this out when my dad walked up to me and said….”have you checked on Weeza?(my boston terrier)” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said, “Justin Timberlake shot her…she’s at the vet’s office.” I jumped up and ran out to call and check on her.
I have no idea at all what the dog part of the dream meant. However, I think that God is trying to reveal things to me in my dreams. Not all my dreams are spiritual, but I believe with all of my heart some are spiritual. I know I tend to be busy and don’t hear God’s voice. He may just have to speak to me when I am still and asleep. I now realize that I am still dealing with some shame from my past. However, the fear I did have at one time to face it and deal with it is not there. I want to be completely free!! I want to live that life of ABUNDANCE that God has promised. I want to live in Canaan!
