just another day

I’ve been struggling on the decision to write this blog.  God affirmed some things in my life that I have been struggling with last night.  I love the fact that He uses “Jesus with skin on” (friends) to speak or just affirm things that He is wanting to work on in my life.  I have been feeling very apathetic about my daily walk, my relationships, my work, and just an all around feeling of procrastination.  For the last several weeks, the Lord has been convicting me of this, but the nature of the sin procrastination and apathy, I have put off dealing with it.  Last night I was hit in the face by an awesome friend that I am in ministry with about the issue.  It was a great discussion and affirmation.  I can be the person that isolates emotionally and one would never know that I was struggling.  However the Lord knows and as hard as I try won’t let me.  I love the way He loves me and disciplines me.  I have always said that I want nothing more than to be honest, so this is a new start for me.  I want to be “naked” in front of you….confessing the attitude of apathy and procrastination.  I pray that the is just the first of many works that the Lord is doing deep with in…

Love..love is not something to be taken lightly. It can cost you more than you are willing to give or more than you realize you have given. It can be blind…blind to the fact of what price you may have to pay. I have recently realized that I paid entirely too much and got not much in return. What I was repaid was a big mess and BIG HEARTACHE. I don’t want you to think that I am being cynical because I do think there is TRUE love. Im talking about the kind of love we settle for thinking it is in fact real love. For me it is hard to tell the difference between God given love between man and woman and a love that we create and dream up. The possibilty of maybe its love. Wondering if the guy is going to love you back or if what he is saying is really how he is feeling. I put my heart out there and it was not returned. Unrequited love is what I am talking about. It’s hard. I was vulnerable, confusing, and I guess naive. However, I think what grieves my heart the most is the part where I compromised. I don’t mean physically…but emotionally and in my relationship with the Lord….the one that ALWAYS has loved me and will ALWAYS love me. I put Him in a box and wouldn’t or couldn’t trust Him to meet my needs. It all comes back to fear. I am scared that God won’t meet my needs and give me the desires of my heart. I am scared to be alone. But the truth is, I am not alone. God is with me to comfort me and love me. If I could truly embrace this and get it from my head to my heart I would be satisfied in Him.

“Lord, grant my the serenity to accepet the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Give me a changed heart that wants nothing more than to worship and follow hard after you. Give my the courage to step out and say you are all I need and you will fulfill your promises and meet my needs. Teach me to trust you. Let your holy fire burn up everything that is wrong thinking about you and teach me your truths. Confirm in me the love that I once knew.”

Its hard to realize that you’ve “cheated” on God. I am married to him, but my eyes wondered to another lover that I thought could satisfy me more than Him. I want to be first in love with Christ and then my mate in second place. I am so thankful that God allowed this to happen in my life to bring me back to Him. Jesus be the lover of my soul! Amen ,Amen and Amen

Its seems the theme for my life right this very second is learning not to compromise…to seek holiness.  Everywhere I go, the sermons or the the talk of my friends turn to compromise.  I get it God…you want me to strive for holiness.  You want me to not settle for second best.  You want me to not compromise.  I was always taught that there was grace…grace to cover a multitude of sins.  Where that is true, there also comes a point in my life where I have to learn to call the smallest compromise what it is….sin!  Ouch…those small compromises are where I have found comfort.  Listening to the gossip of the day, watching a movie that is not quite good for my eyes, meditating on thoughts that are DEFINITELY deadly to my spiritual walk, and being loose with my lips are just a few of the smaller compromises that I encounter on a daily basis. 

When God started revealing to me that He wanted me to STRIVE to be pure, I never knew it was going to be this hard.  I thought I could keep from doing the big things…you know what I’m talking about.  He has lit a fire under me to purify me…to burn away all of the impurities..the dross.  I’m in process…and will always be in process!