just another day

life is so pointless

i don’t even know

when i am living

the time passes

i do nothing

its another day

another night

another day

i have done nothing

nothing that really matters

when will i start living

when will i not fear

time pass by

life is so short

many things

i want to do

fear keeps me bound

i see it in my dream

what my life should be

my life has got to change

its time to live

no more fear

As 2007 comes to a close, I think about what I have done this year.  There are many things I could say.  This year has been a year of growth for me.  I have had my faith tested in many different ways.  I feel that this year Christ was, for lack of a better word, testing me to see if I would seek Him even when things weren’t working out how I thought they should.  There were times when I could not feel the presence of God at all.  I must admit that it was hard to put my faith in someone that I could not feel.  I however, decided that that is what my faith is.  It is belief in someone unseen in the natural.  I found it hard to deny the fact that God was distant even in those times.  He comforted me in ways that I can’t even describe to you.  He allowed “Jesus with skin on” to help push me forward.  When I least expected it, someone would “call me out” or have just the right encouraging words to say to me when they had no idea what I was going through. 

It has also been a year of testing of my trust in Christ.  Being 29 and single you start to wonder “okay God…when is it my turn”.  I have to state that I did take some situations into my own hands only to find out that it wasn’t the right time or the right person depending on the situation. I can only come to grips with the fact that no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, that if I am in God’s will for my life and actively seeking Him, then He is in control.  I am still in the process of learning to trust Him with things that are very near and dear to my heart.  It’s funny how as humans we can trust God with big things but when its a heart issue we hold onto to the problem with white knuckles.  After much praying and crying I can with a truthful heart say that I will love Him no matter what He sees fit for my life. That kind of sacrifice is the toughest for me because I want to be in control and want instant gratification. 

I am looking forward to starting a new year with some new intentions.  I want to be more intentional with my relationships with those near me.  I want to be a person of the up-most integrity.  Integrity has always been something I strived for but sometimes fell very short.  I want to keep on the path of pursuing that integrity that I know is possible with Christ’s help.  I want to be so in-tune with the voice of God that we have conversations all day long like He is my best friends sitting right  next to me.  I look forward to starting fresh and living out a life that is pleasing to my Lord.  If there is one thing I could ask from you would be prayer as I am still in the refining process of my life.  I am in the wilderness being prepared and I am excited to see what God will do with my willing heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlXJS5mPolc

Please click on the above link and see what I have in store for me when my Boston Terrier gets old and cranky…the pup Ziggy is hilarious!

I have always taken some pride in my relationships.  I have felt that I have become a good communicator with my friends and other significant relationships.  I guess that I came to expect the same out of others.  I recently became very frustrated when I realized it doesn’t matter how well you communicate, it takes two to have a fulfilling relationship. I have several friends that I simply can not communicate with.  There has been things said in secret about others and when confronted, there is no admitting it. I am one to forgive and forget after things are talked out and sorted through.  However, it becomes uber aggravating with the other party when there is no willingness to talk or even be real.  I would love to have openness and realness in all my relationships like I have experienced in several others.  It has come to my attention that I may never get that from these select relationships and I have come to accept it.  I have to forgive for me and not for them.  It does me no good to hold a small grudge when they have no idea how to communicate.  I’m not saying that I am perfect at communication and its still a learning process, but I will engage in real conversation.

When one realizes it takes real gut wrenching communication to have great relationships, it gets scary.  Nobody likes to let someone into those places that only you know and see.  I will say that the people that I have elected to let into those places have shown great loyalty and to be trustworthy. I have found a few “safe” people.  I pray that God helps me to be as real I can, revealing only what is needed to the right people at the right time.  I just want to be authentic.  I pray He also helps me to realize that I don’t have to be frustrated with those that don’t know how to communicate and He teaches me how to relate and be in relationship with them.

I’ve been struggling on the decision to write this blog.  God affirmed some things in my life that I have been struggling with last night.  I love the fact that He uses “Jesus with skin on” (friends) to speak or just affirm things that He is wanting to work on in my life.  I have been feeling very apathetic about my daily walk, my relationships, my work, and just an all around feeling of procrastination.  For the last several weeks, the Lord has been convicting me of this, but the nature of the sin procrastination and apathy, I have put off dealing with it.  Last night I was hit in the face by an awesome friend that I am in ministry with about the issue.  It was a great discussion and affirmation.  I can be the person that isolates emotionally and one would never know that I was struggling.  However the Lord knows and as hard as I try won’t let me.  I love the way He loves me and disciplines me.  I have always said that I want nothing more than to be honest, so this is a new start for me.  I want to be “naked” in front of you….confessing the attitude of apathy and procrastination.  I pray that the is just the first of many works that the Lord is doing deep with in…

Well…I got back Sunday night from our trip for my birthday.  Here are a few photos.  We did all kind of crazy things.  I think I went through a little crisis while out and turning 29.  I got my nose pierced, a tat, and dyed my hair all in the same day.  You think I was trying to relive youth…YEAH probably so. However it was a great weekend.  I was a little moody needless to say, but overall I had a blast.   We went to Helen, Ga, The Georgia Aquarium, got tats and piercings, visited with horses, rested, ate some great homemade food by my awesome mom-to-be friend Jessica, took photos, and laughed too much.  It was definitely a much needed  get away.  However I am worn out.  I planned on resting most of the weekend, but because of my pre-mid life crisis we seemed to always be on the go.  I really appreciate all of the time and love that my awesome friends gave to me.  God couldn’t have placed any better ones in my life.