just another day

So, I’m heading out tomorrow afternoon to have some good girl time for my birthday.  We are going to be gone until Sunday afternoon.  I am very excited to get some good rest and relaxation, ride some horses, take some pictures, and piddle on the guitar.  It’s a good year to get away.  I’m turning 29.  You know they say the big 3-0 is a hard year but this one is kinda kicking my rear.  It’s my last year of my 20’s.  I am about to enter my 30’s.  When did this happen?  Where did 30 years go?  What have I accomplished?  These are the questions I have been asking myself.  Well the years flew by, that’s where they went.  I have accomplished many things.  My life is on the right track with the Lord.  I love Him with all my heart.  He is my joy and my everything.  I have almost completed 3 years in Living Well.  I am so grateful for that ministry.  It has helped me to learn who I am and who I am in the Lord.  I am excited to start back to college in January to earn my degree in psychology.  I want to get my Master’s in counseling.  I am excited about photography.  I got a camera from my parents and am ready to put it to good use.  I love taking pictures of nature, family, and friends.  I am also trying to learn to play guitar.  Maybe write a few songs…who knows.  However, I’m looking forward to my next 29 years.  Its gonna be great! 

Holidays for my family, particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas the last few years have been very rough on my family.  My niece was born 4 years ago 1 day before Thanksgiving with the valves  crossed going to her heart.   She had to undergo open heart surgery.  She was in the Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital for a month in Nashville Tenn.  The doctors realized there wasn’t anything that could be done and on Christmas Eve the same year my brother and his wife had to take her off of life support.  If that wasn’t enough, last year on Thanksgiving day my grandmother died  in Hospice due to a brain injury she had from a fall in the local hospital. 

This was the first year my entire family was in town at my parents for Thanksgiving. We started a new tradition. As cheesy as it sounds, we all went around the room and said what we were thankful for.  My nephew said his family and his new classmate Cole.  My brothers said their family and God.  My niece said her family’s unconditional love.  It came my turn and I has a lump n my throat.  You see, I have been going through recovery and have realized that I have been angry with my family for not being perfect.  I expected a perfect upbringing with perfect members.  I realize now that nobody gets the perfect home life.  I have come to a place of acceptance and realization that my family members are only human just as I am.  I felt the urge to tell my entire family in that circle that I was thankful for them and that I was sorry for being a jerk and expecting perfection.  It was liberating.  I am thankful for my family and love them where they are just as they love me where I am.  Thank God for revaltion!

I got home last night from Fusion, which is a youth retreat with several  local youth groups.  It was an amazing time with girls and the Lord.  I stayed in a cabin with 12 9th grade girls and another leader.  It was tiring, but well worth the the time because the Lord really moved in some of the young ladies’ lives.  Its always a special time when He lets me be a small part of His huge plan.  He allowed me to share with different girls parts of my story and minister to them.  It was awesome.   God is in the business of restoration and redemption.  I can’t scream it loud enough.  As tired as one could possibly be from hanging out with a ton of youth at my age, I felt refreshed from the weekend.  The Lord just showed up with His grace and mercy for all to have freely.  No strings attached!  I love it!

Love..love is not something to be taken lightly. It can cost you more than you are willing to give or more than you realize you have given. It can be blind…blind to the fact of what price you may have to pay. I have recently realized that I paid entirely too much and got not much in return. What I was repaid was a big mess and BIG HEARTACHE. I don’t want you to think that I am being cynical because I do think there is TRUE love. Im talking about the kind of love we settle for thinking it is in fact real love. For me it is hard to tell the difference between God given love between man and woman and a love that we create and dream up. The possibilty of maybe its love. Wondering if the guy is going to love you back or if what he is saying is really how he is feeling. I put my heart out there and it was not returned. Unrequited love is what I am talking about. It’s hard. I was vulnerable, confusing, and I guess naive. However, I think what grieves my heart the most is the part where I compromised. I don’t mean physically…but emotionally and in my relationship with the Lord….the one that ALWAYS has loved me and will ALWAYS love me. I put Him in a box and wouldn’t or couldn’t trust Him to meet my needs. It all comes back to fear. I am scared that God won’t meet my needs and give me the desires of my heart. I am scared to be alone. But the truth is, I am not alone. God is with me to comfort me and love me. If I could truly embrace this and get it from my head to my heart I would be satisfied in Him.

“Lord, grant my the serenity to accepet the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Give me a changed heart that wants nothing more than to worship and follow hard after you. Give my the courage to step out and say you are all I need and you will fulfill your promises and meet my needs. Teach me to trust you. Let your holy fire burn up everything that is wrong thinking about you and teach me your truths. Confirm in me the love that I once knew.”

Its hard to realize that you’ve “cheated” on God. I am married to him, but my eyes wondered to another lover that I thought could satisfy me more than Him. I want to be first in love with Christ and then my mate in second place. I am so thankful that God allowed this to happen in my life to bring me back to Him. Jesus be the lover of my soul! Amen ,Amen and Amen

Well…God has been doing a work on me the last few years in the integrity department.  I want to be a woman of great character and value.  I want to be the same by myself as I am with friends.  This past weekend, I had a revelation when it comes to integrity for me.  I was visiting with some friends at a birthday party.  We had a great time hanging out and laughing.  A guy I semi-dated came over for about an hour and I turned weird.  I’m talking about uber flirt, life of the party, and full of laughs.  I really do care for this person, but its getting really hard for me to just be myself when he is around.  I don’t know what takes over my body.  Its the craziest thing.  That bad part about  it is he is NO GOOD for me.  He has been an addiction in my life.  I have come back to him and he has come back to me over and over.  I am ever changing my mind when it comes to him.  I also noticed that with the friends that Saturday night, I was not the same person I was when I pulled up in the drive way.  Nothing major was wrong,  just completely different.  I had on so many masks it wasn’t funny.  I was a joker, a know it all, and who knows what else.  I was totally aware of my masks.  I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be the person I am when I with my best friend.  Comfortable in my own skin.  I realize it takes time.  I just need to find the balance of being honest with who I am, and not having to be completely vulnerable with EVERYONE! I have been blessed with the ability to get along with anyone…and have conversation with anyone.  I just don’t want to be fake!

So, anyone that knows me at all, knows I hate to get up in the mornings.  I REALLY hate to get up on Monday mornings. Its a start to a new work week that has become so mundane and BORING.  I wonder where all the excitement that was promise for a single late 20’s woman is hiding.  There are so many things I want to attempt but I guess I am afraid of failing.  Failure is a paralyzer.  I want to go hiking, visit different countries, learn a new language, and learn to play guitar.  These are just a few things I would love to do.  What’s stopping me?  I have no idea…except fear!