just another day

Emotional sex sounds so ridiculous. However there are many times in my life as a single woman that I have found myself enjoying emotional sex. As a woman, we want a man to share every detail of their life, their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns. I eat them up just as I would with physical sex. I, to be honest, eat up the emotional connection even more.

Emotional sex is when a man shares all his heart with a woman, and listens to all that a woman shares from her innermost secret places in her heart. The bond or soul tie that forms when we do this is just as bad if not worse than when we have sex outside of marriage. Being a woman that has experienced both, I  had a hard time coming to understand the emotional bond. I could easily recognize the bond that was formed when I had a physical sex with someone. I thought that when I had sex with a man he would know that I loved him, its what he wanted.

It wasn’t until after many nights of praying and wondering why I was so bonded to these men, it slapped me in the face. Emotional sex!! I had shared my innermost heart and thoughts with these men, bonding me to them. I had wanted their advice and their approval. Since realizing this, I have tried to avoid sharing things from the deepest part of my heart. I want to save that for marriage. I want to be a pure and white bride, a virgin if you will, when it comes to emotional sex when I meet my husband.  However, there comes a time when you won’t be the one sharing and its the guy that’s sharing all his inner most hopes and dreams.  This is rare, but its out there.  Half the victory is knowing where your boundaries lie.  Know ahead of time what your boundaries are in conversation with the opposite sex.  There has to be some sort of sharing in dating to form a relationship.  I fully believe that God intended for us to be open and honest in communication with one another.  However, I fully believe that He also intended for us to guard our hearts. 

I was recently asked how to undo emotional sex strings.  What a loaded question.  My answer was simply this.  Decide that you want to break these strings. Next, set up boundaries in the relationship, and finally be in relationship with the same sex for mentoring or accountability.  Emotional attachment is hard to recognize.  I just have one question for you…are you wearing your emotional condom? 

The last few weeks, I have been having some really crazy dreams.  Some of the dreams are funny, some strange, some really scary, and some very realistic.  Let me tell you about this retarded one I had last night. 

I am in a recovery program called Living Well.  It deals with my past, the root of the problems(control, fear, co-dependency…),  and then spiritual maturity.  Well my dream took place in my group at Living well.  My mom, dad, and old mentor, and another girl I knew from way back were all in my group.  This is odd because none of these people would EVER be in my group, but they were all from my past.  It was my time to do my life story and I began reading what was supposed to be all about my life from my perspective.  I was reading what turned out to be this long report on Calvinism,  Catholicism, and who knows what else.  I burst out crying when it hit me that this story was not about me at all.  I still had shame of my past.  I didn’t mind the new people in my life that knew me as the God fearing person I strive to be hearing my story.  I just didn’t want the people from my past hearing all the things that had been done in secret, especially my parents.  This is where the dream gets comical.  My facilitator was trying to reassure me that I needed to get all this out when my dad walked up to me and said….”have you checked on Weeza?(my boston terrier)”  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Then he said, “Justin Timberlake shot her…she’s at the vet’s office.”  I jumped up and ran out to call and check on her. 

I have no idea at all what the dog  part of the dream meant.  However, I think that God is trying to reveal things to me in my dreams.  Not all my dreams are spiritual, but I believe with all of my heart some are spiritual.  I know I tend to be busy and don’t hear God’s voice.  He  may just have to speak to me when I am still and asleep.  I now realize that I am still dealing with some shame from my past.  However, the fear I did have at one time to face it and deal with it is not there.  I want to be completely free!!  I want to live that life of ABUNDANCE that God has promised.  I want to live in Canaan!

So…I’m sitting at home on a rainy afternoon, struggling to keep my eyes open.  Its days like today when I want to curl up with a good book and read until I fall asleep.  I’m looking out my window at the rain running down the glass.    Even though I felt my life is in a dry and dusty place…God showed His mercy and love and sent His rain to water my soul and quench my thirst.  I am coming out of this dry place in life, and yet the only thing I can think about is how long this “feeling” will last. With spiritual maturity, I have come to realize that my feelings are not something I can use to give myself a spiritual health exam.  Feelings and emotions are just the indicators to do an inventory on my mind, body, and soul.   Don’t be fooled…inventory is not for the faint at heart….be brave and check yourself.  Who knows what God wants to do when we get TOTALLY honest with ourselves, with others, and with God. 

This past Sunday I went to my family reunion.  Just like any other, there were people there I had no idea who they were.  I ate a bunch of good ole’ home cooking, loved on  the horses, and visited with family I hadn’t seen in a long time.  My cousins, aunts, uncle, great aunts, great uncle, second cousins, and who ever else is kin to me are all “Christians”.  I use to love saying that I came from a God fearing family, but this past reunion made me realize that I am different than the rest of my family.  I’m not judging their faith,  but I saw things that were not of the Lord.  I realize that everyone slips especially around family.  However, I was actually criticized for being late because I went to church.  I think most of my country kin folk think that God is just a Sunday activity.  It makes my heart hurt when I think about all they are missing out on by not going hard after Jesus.  Being different isn’t always easy, but its definitely worth it.  I just wish they knew the Lord that I know.  He is my savior, redeemer, comforter, friend, master, with a list that could on and on….

I love to take random pictures. I just wanted to share a few with you. Hope you enjoy them.

Its seems the theme for my life right this very second is learning not to compromise…to seek holiness.  Everywhere I go, the sermons or the the talk of my friends turn to compromise.  I get it God…you want me to strive for holiness.  You want me to not settle for second best.  You want me to not compromise.  I was always taught that there was grace…grace to cover a multitude of sins.  Where that is true, there also comes a point in my life where I have to learn to call the smallest compromise what it is….sin!  Ouch…those small compromises are where I have found comfort.  Listening to the gossip of the day, watching a movie that is not quite good for my eyes, meditating on thoughts that are DEFINITELY deadly to my spiritual walk, and being loose with my lips are just a few of the smaller compromises that I encounter on a daily basis. 

When God started revealing to me that He wanted me to STRIVE to be pure, I never knew it was going to be this hard.  I thought I could keep from doing the big things…you know what I’m talking about.  He has lit a fire under me to purify me…to burn away all of the impurities..the dross.  I’m in process…and will always be in process!

I am involved in a group called Living Well.  Its a recovery ministry that I have been a participant for going on 3 years.  Every year, we get a “word” at our round-up that is mine for that year.  My last word that I recieved was FOUNDATION.  You may think that this  is trivial or meaningless, but to me it has blown me away. 

The third year  is a year of spirituality.  You go through a class and really learn what you believe and the best part is you learn WHY you believe what you believe.  God has really been doing a major work in me that I didn’t know I needed.  My foundation has been rocked.  He is starting to strip me of false beliefs and replacing them with truth.  He is rebuilding me from the foundation up. 

I am the girl that grew up in church, listened to multiple sermons, and went to Sunday School.  Yet, I never knew why I believed the things I believed.  I am so thankful that God has put me on this road of questioning, doubting, and wrestling with Him.  In the end, I feel confident that all I will have is Jesus and NOTHING else.

I said I would never have a blog, but here  goes nothing.  I have a few friends that have one and I love reading what God is doing in their life or the silly things they do day to day.  I thought it would be fun to have my own blog to allow people to see a little in to my life….that scares me a little.  Anyway stay tuned for more is definitely to come.